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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
discorporatedo's LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2010 | | 5:25 pm |
| | Wednesday, March 31st, 2010 | | 5:34 am |
So for anyone whos interested I didn't get my extended leave and so haven't gone to Palestine. I'll have to thinkl of quiting my job in the long term but for the moment i'm going to stick at it. I had two weeks that I had to use or I wouldn't get them so am currently on the second one. Unfortunately I've been mostly getting depressed and not using them in any productive way. I haven't even been writing which is what I planned to at least do, but I seem to have given up on that anyway. Have been enjoying 'doctors' as usual. The soap awards are coming up so could people please register and vote for doctors with all there email addresses as a better protest than the whole rage against the machine joe mc elderly thing. Imagine the look on people's faces at the awards if the evil monopoly of all the prime time most popular soaps were toppled by 'doctors' which is basically a show with Anarchist/Socialist/Communist/propaganda. So please vote now!!! http://www.britishsoapawards.tv/Who you vote for doesn't matter as long as it's 'Doctors' for the soaps and 'Sissy Juggins' In best badguy, (the picture should explain why). More worthwhile than the general election anyway. Unfortunately 'Doctors' with it's well written plots hasn't helped with my current depression. One character, reminded me of how I used to be, spontaneous and a bit mad. I haven't been like that for many years now. I just get dpressed with occasional blips of normal mood I suppose. Before I used to be on the extremes of both depression and happiness and I miss that though obviously that too is not healthy. I can't believe how sterile my life has become. I wish so much to feel part of something again. Going back to Palestine seems the only way, but as I've found out, I can't stay there forever and to be honest I need something healthier/ something that can be won soon. For the mean time however I'm going to continue looking for answers in the bottom of a glass. Mazletov | | Thursday, March 4th, 2010 | | 9:56 pm |
In other news: http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/2010/02/446791.htmlSo Germany is not a Democracy and this adds weight to the Jewish conspiracy and holocaust deniers. Dr Finklestein is someone I really admire and is brilliant for laying into people who are ignorant about the subject. He speaks with passion as well as knowlege which is lacking from other academics on the palestinian question. in other news I'm still waiting to here if my leave will get approved. In my last post I mentioned perhaps to cryptically how uncertain I am about going back to Palestine and would appreciate advise please. Also hope people, (Jenny cough!!!) will consider coming through to Stirling this weekend for the fair trade pub quiz. If you do I'll come to glasgow one on Tuesday, think I should make it after work, and I owe you birthday drinks and stuff. Current Mood:  depressed | | Friday, February 26th, 2010 | | 12:28 am |
Well I finnally handed in a letter requesting extended leave of work on Monday. I've been meaning to do it for a while but have been quite uncertain if it is the right thing to do. However with time against me I thought I'd at least give myself the opportunity to decide if I wanted it. Long story short, I've been thinking about going to Palestine again but my body and mind seem to be overcome by a reluctance. I thibnk that since I have actually been looking for excuses not to go back then that is not a good thing. I feel a large part of myself died there but ultimately have been feeling sick and pointless living back in Scotland. I feel it hasn't helped that i've had no support -with honourable exception- from the various people and sections of society I requested help from. I'm fed up of being angry and bitter though. I feel I'll probably remain so but to surround myself with like minded individuals and emerse myself in the culture and identity I love might be good for me. However in sayong this, I have no idea what I want to get out of this, I'm worried about makinig myself worse, no doubt managing to survive but with added mental and physical scars. I've been trying to keep up to date with what has been happening and predictably it's been all bad news, I do feel a powerlessness of what i can do but feel I'm being dragged there anyway. I was thinking about this particularly a lot today and feeling very Soviet as I trudged to work in the snow feeling pushed and accepting regardless of concerns to a doomed cause, soaked and freezing inspite of waterproof shoes and jacket. Given that I am no longer at university having this as part of my life is not useful or even annecdotal being far removed from everyone's reality that I do feel the whole excersice is a terrible burden to carry to add to my numerous other unresolved problems and issues. I do believe it would have been far better for everyone if I did not come back from last time, I might have been remembered better by the people who forget me now. Fate doesn't have anything interesting in store for me anymore, it ditched me finnally when Hayley left. However living, is the burden I currently trek and events have made it that things are going to change for the worst and i need to addapt my support plan. All this could be frozen breath in the air anyway due to my leave still having to be approved. | | Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 | | 10:48 pm |
Was in supermarket unmentionable today reading the papers, I try and not buy them as I'm a terrible hoarder. Anyway was really disappointed when, flicking through the usual filth, I found that the Independent, normally a left wing paper, had articles condemning the rights of pissed-off Muslims to protest. Including Mark Steel who I thought might at least allow some debate. He writes a very boring article doing the obligitary hypocritical bullshit uniting the left at the moment of support for 'our boys out there.' Anyway it is all padding and not a very good argument that just because (some) soldiers are a tiny bit unhappy about what they're doing people don't have the right to march through Wooton Basset carrying coffins mourning the horrific losses of Afghans and Iraqis. http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/mark-steel/mark-steel-heres-one-soldier-who-told-the-truth-about-this-war-1858857.htmlscroll down to the last couple of paragraphs to get what I'm speaking about. So okay, I'm sure the group intending to demonstrate represent many things I don't believe in. But they are doing this, expressing the rightful rage at hypocracy and ignorance that I share. I looked up Islam4uk but their website seems to be down and probably everyone looking is probably going to be flagged up so just to be on record if I disappear 'it wasn't an accident.' What I did find was a little thing from the tory graph http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/defence/6931212/What-is-Islam4UK.htmlSeems to have very odd loosely linked condemnations of the group. From the evidence given I don't see anything particularly objectionable about the group although I'd rather turn Buckingham Palace into a homeless shelter (as is fitting under Sharia law). Okay so I'm a bit worried that once again I seem to have such a screwed view of the world with little support. I would very much like to know that some people think my logic is not unreasonable. For the Left: The war started 9 years ago in Afghanistan and 7 years ago in Iraq, how many years will we sit quietly as our Muslim brothers and sisters/comrades -whatever rhetoric you wish to use- are being massacred? They are forbidden from expressing a democratic opinion through protest because it is seen by the hegomony to be controvertial. As a Democrat, an Anarchist, a consciencious being -whatever- what am I expected to do? It is happening, right fucking now, rights are being taken away and we are not showing solidarity. First they came for the Muslims... http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/parade-protest-case-flawed-say-lawyers-1859730.htmlAlso 'Palestinians and their supporters are abusing the system' http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/israeli-army-officers-fear-arrest-in-uk-1858995.html | | Wednesday, December 16th, 2009 | | 4:47 pm |
| | 1:05 am |
Seasons Beatings
So my time off is over, back to the grind tomorrow. In many ways I'm relieved. It hasn't been a complete loss, I saw 'bands' in a venue other than glow although they were not my type of music, putting it delicately. Visited my parents recently that added to my down. Mum couldn't make time to see me from her busy dancing schedule though I've learnt she's getting cosmetic surgery. A brief incounter she said if people are unhappy about the way they look then it's healthy to change it. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Can add 'It's what's on the inside that counts' to a list of all the bullshit you hear through your life; 'Everybody's good at something, bullies are just jealous, life will get better, you'll find true love, you can become a millionare if you work hard enough, bad people will get their comeuppance' etc etc. Fool's me for believing them though. I've found recently that I get a lot of rude gestures and sarky comments from people on the street, which is odd. It's like being in highschool again although I'm fast aproaching 30. Have started having nightmares but not about anything I thought would be appropriate. It's odd given the time of year and very soon a whole year would have passed since the horrific aniversary. I made a pledge that I would do everything I could to fight for what I believe on my return and do a commeomorative action. I've done nothing, I couldn't even turn up on time for the climate march. I have tried I've sent emails requesting help, arranged a meeting no one turned up to. Time is fast creeping up. I don't know how I'll feel. At least I've tried however and there might be a slight chance that people will get back to me about an action. People who made such a sacrifice and i am doing absolutely nothing and if so would risk a pathetic ammont in comparison, just to do something. I got really ill today thinking about it. I hate this time of year, because there's two of them in close succession and you'll get it completely rubbed in your face how brilliant life should be and is for many people. Christmas, New year and Birthdays, why do they bother. I get haunted on all three of them by the ghiost of past present and future showing how crap everything is and that with each one passin I'll be reminded how I can never have an '8 simple rules' childhood or 20 something party fest for the present and I shudder to think of the future, knowing I'll have to repeat it all, the aching, the frustration and the loneliness. At least I'll be working this christmas, 'that's good of you' a taxi driver said, but really that's good of them. I have tried to improve my life. I read that I had to start being honest with people, how's that working out... I think I've always been pretty honest and direct with people but it needs to be backed up with courage and power, of which I never have had either. So now I hide away, on the internet all day because what's the point about saying how unhappy I am, I've pretty much exhausted people with my shit. Still end of a decade and it has been a 'shit decade' says the man hammering his fists on the table who I'm envious off. It has. Before 2000 I was to young, naiive and stupid to know. Ignorance was indeed blis. Doctors had a great eppisod on today about a real life grinch (a vandal who targeted Christmas decorations) it was amazing that a daytime TV soap actually balanced a negative Christmas message with a good one; peopel have people for Christmas others don't. Lot more subtle, real and meaningful than all the other soaps which will have a murder during the drunken happy times. Got canvased by religious people today. I was honest, I said I didn't believe in God. There are to many Gods and not enough humility. | | Thursday, November 12th, 2009 | | 10:50 pm |
Sell out and stuff
Been keeping low because I betrayed my principles in the most disgusting way. As part of my job I had to support someone to church for the rememberence service and it was the most right wing disgusting imperialist church service i'd ever been to. I grew up thinking that rememberence day was about making sure there would be no more wars and that the silence was out of respect for all victims of war. TYhis church service hammered home the point that soldiers were fighting so we could be free in Afghanistan. They were called selfless and brave and suffering so much I kid you not it sounded as though they were speaking about Jesus. The hyms they sang were about God watching over the land and then they sang the national anthem. I disgustingly chickened out and stood for the silence and for the national anthem, though I obviously did not sing. After speaking about all the sacrifices British soldiers had made through history, the second part of the service was by a 'mission group' who with no concept of irony started speaking about the problems faced by Nigerians under the heading 'Aids is not just a problem but an opportunity to spread the gospel of Christ.' They went on to say that they had top fight back against the growth of Islam in Nigeria by making converts of their own. Onward Christian soldiers. In my weaker moments I have been tempted by the Christian faith but after this I am going to keep the greatest distance possible. Down with North Parish Church Also Fuck the soldiers morn for the civilian victims of war and those defending their country against occupation etc etc. Aswell as my standing ovation for Imperialism I have realised that having a job is rubbish for being an activist. I wanted to fight Fascists on Saturday but am working. I wanted to protest Nato tomorrow but unfortuantely I can't as I have no idea what is happening, i have the day off, but because I wasn't flexible enough to be able to organise I have been excluded. So tomorrow I'll get drunk I think and stay in bed. Stuff Eagerly awaiting somebody to get back to me about an adventure in December. Have been going through a bad patch emotionally and generally mentally for a bit, but seem to be over the worst. Am currently cheating at Nanowrimo as I'm continuing with what I started ages ago. Thank fuck poppy fascism is over, at least until another year. | | Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 | | 1:50 pm |
I did try. Having a bad day at work did not make me respond in the best way, but I'm sick of hypocrits especially holier than thou ones who would be first to point out this flaw in other groups. my attempt to be part of activism again was met immediately with exclusion. No respond to text or email, throwing a half hearted comment about my hurt feelings was the only way I got a token response, a response unhelpful and immune from guilt. I knew this would happen, but where does it leave me? It was an incredibly difficult thing to do in the first place helped only by circumstances, half of which, the great 'life moving on'circumstances were lies. So what now? It's just amazing with all this talk of consensus, inclusion and fucking ACTIVIST SUPPORT, that there is nothing. It's like a tree falling and no ones around to hear. Anyway. Still have Palestine I suppose a place most know off but don't care, very suiting. A friend from Ni'lin got in touch recently, a message in fonetic Arabic and broken English, which is exactly how I think and sometimes speak haha. I do know that I can just curl up and die or I can once again somehow pull myself up, just above the water. I know I have to go back to cure myself, regain my 'no fear' so I can be a good activist. I've realised that although I'm an idiot that I didn't pick up fluent Arabic but I have enough broken to help, I just need the confidence to use it regardless to help me in social situations. I have done a lot by myself, taught myself things like survival. I am a surviver for all my moaning and depression i am the luckiest person I know, besides there's always a pretty good chance I could beat death at chess if it went to the next level anyway. So there I am. 'Bitain is not a nation of social workers' As Francis Urquart would say. Yeah I'm bitter, because I've had to struggle, many times on my own with little reward. Where I have to struggle to, that's the question. | | Friday, October 23rd, 2009 | | 12:42 pm |
Question time: Nazi verses extreme Nationalists
It was very interesting to see Question Time the other night and how it showed exactrly everything I thought it would if the no platform policy didn't exist. If I was there I would have been on the protest, but at the same time I'm thorougly commited to freedom of expression as what it showed was what I've been saying all alone that, put simply the BNP are just ineloquent and unhypocritical with their racism. Funily enough the first question was about how awful it was for the BNP to hijack Winston Churchill, the renowned antifascist. A lot of blurting was made about people's backgrounds and who fought who during 'the' War. There was also mention of the WW1 in amongst that as an anti-fascist war rather than a conflict between two Imperial powers' global ambitions. 'Lets remember all the Africans and Indians who gave their lives in the trenches, yes lets. I was greatly disapointed that there was not at least one person who did not have a retarded knowledge of history to argue that they had no choice as they were, a bit like slaves; no democratic freedom conscripted into fighting a war far away for the country that occupied them and exploited their resources. 'Winston Churchill would be spinning in his grave.' Well lets hope. I wont belittle people on my friends list by explaining why this would not be true and that Nicky is right in saying that Churchill would share his Fascist views. Thinking if Churchill would actually be a member of the BNP, I changed my mind, because Churchill was a career politician switching party loyalties on three seperate occassions, so the answer is maybe but unlikely. Griffindor showed himself as an idiot but the whole time I was far interested in what everyone else was saying, though I liked when he voiced his support for Israel haha, says so much. A question was put that basicaly the country's failure of immigration policy was to blame for the rise in the BNP, to which I sat back and watched as the veil fell and they debated the correct way to limit and send back people, however my stomach pain increased when no one saw the link or the irony. Question time, as usual had a carefully crafted audience and it was interesting to see how very middle class people of ethnic groups agreed that immigration had to stop, speaking about their country and getting rounds of aplause. This made me think about Fascism, racially there is almost a redundancy but somthing has replaced it which is equally bad, a sense of nationality, a superior sense of nationality. However this has always existed in Briton, but now it is modern. It is Fascist however as it believes in one group of people being superior to another, not even treating the 'other' as people at all but rather as a comodity. New Fascism or neo-Fascism one might say. After 'This Week' (which glossed over the show, BNP bad audience good, I don't understand why no one can see the fact that everyone was immigrant bashing is no different from the BNP) there was a Panorama on living in a racist community which was ver good and scary. Two journalists of ethnic extraction went to stay in some place I forget and were subject to unprovoked abuse and attacks. They carried hidden cameras and everything that happened reminded me of stories, videos and things I had seen when settlers attacked and tormented Palestinians. It shamed me that inspite of my self-proclaimed non-Britishness that this went on. Apologies for re-iterrating the same old chessnut (I have another journal to do this now) but the main comments targeted against them were to do with the 'war on terror.' They were called 'Taliban' and 'Iraqi' and they got death threats, these were made far more than comments about terrorism which shows that the coverage of the war inparticular of troop casualties has been propoganda, stirring up race hate from the ignorrant. But what do you expect? I had to go straight home today after a breif venture out, as I saw military personel in the thistle centre along with a large billboard for the rememberance poppy picturing a woman and child clutching a picture of a soldier under the heading of, 'for them.' I wanted to throwup (or change it to 'Fuck them': why would that be innapropriate or offensive?). Like the BNP and mainstreem party immigration policy, war and supporting troops in an illegal war against people of not only a different race but nationality is breeding hatred and fascism. Why is throwing a petrol bomb at a muslim bad by the BNP and shooting or dropping a bomb on a village by soldiers not the same thing? Although the latter is obviously far worse, far more deadly and pre-meditated, but justified by nationalistic and cultural sentimant. ? | | Monday, October 19th, 2009 | | 2:16 am |
| | Sunday, October 11th, 2009 | | 11:36 pm |
Urghh, decided to torture myself and check out Indymedia Scotland for the first time since Palestine,as I was wondering if anyone did anything to mark the aniversary of the war. I suppose it's good as my own guilt of my cowardace to do anything has been relieved, as there appears to be nothing, but there was a nice little article on a woman's march (for woman achioevements), of which Anne McGuire was guest speaker!!! A roll model for women everywhere; that a murdering bitch, who talks down to her female constituents and votes with blind loyalty for her party, so stupidly that she actually voted against the government twice accidentally (Found out with research in 'sack your MP'). Also why is it okay to use the term 'scab' against, well scabs: (working class people who don't strike as they have familys to feed yadyyadyyada) but it's not okay to call our brave troops well nazi, racist, retarded, amoral etc. (The troops of course, some of which are working class people who would rather murder inpoverished, non-white, starving families in the most recent of a long line in the profession of abuse against the people of the world [bit like paedophiles] than sign on, or get another job. During which some get a family and of course the afore mentioned make them perfect roll models to their kids.) walah Current Mood: Stoic | | Sunday, September 20th, 2009 | | 4:20 pm |
Crest of a wave, but may beach this whale.
I've experienced two mirracles recently in my life that have provided me with a bit of hope that there is something. I've been joking about it with Peter, but in all seriousness, the timeing was very apt. I don't believe in God persay, but in some force that is shaping the way our lives plan out. The start of this month against constant sceptical diagnoseses about recovery Tristan regained consciousness and has avoided brain damage inspite of being in a six month coma. He is blinded in his right eye but he is alive and living. http://palsolidarity.org/2009/09/8416The same night I found out about tristan I checked my emails and found, that just when I gave up any hope. I have regained contact with a person who has meant so much to me in my post university life, after almost a year of silence and dead ends. Life is far from perfect (work's very straining), but Tristan's recovery has meant an increase in my courage and anger and now, with both pieces of news I feel, at least for the time being, my life has direction. I am now trying to think how else to use this spell of fortune, and hope that it's not just a very temporary blip. Current Mood:  hopeful | | Monday, August 31st, 2009 | | 1:25 pm |
| | Sunday, August 30th, 2009 | | 11:33 am |
For my fans. Haven't written an lj for a while, I suppose there would have been stuff to say but haven't had the time or internet and have been avoiding the latter because it gives bad news, Palestine or friend not getting back to me related. So Work... For those who don't know I got a job as a support worker for disabled people, I was quite pleased to get the job at first but feel... well I don't know, I'm stilll glad to have it, but I resent it also, I can't work out if it is specific to the job or work in general. i suppose i'm constantly on my toes because sooner or later my boss/es are going to find out I'm an incompitant, anxt (sp?) ridden, angry individual mainly due to my constant 'Nam flashbacks. Have been working alot but only just short of 40hours, which isn't that bad. I will switch to my contracted though after next week. I think it's because i feel I'm not seeing anyone out of work anymore, not that there are much people to see. Had several work annecdotes but to much time has passed, maybe in the future. Although went to Macdonalds as part of work, I didn't order anything but it made me feel really sick. I tried to imagine the windows haveing a brick hurled through them. I feel like such a sell out, last time I was in MacDonlads, I got escorted out by police. Good times. My life... Through boredom and midlife crisis or whatever, I'm thinking of completely remoddeling myself, i.e. my interests, dress sense, decoration of room, maybe even changing my name. However I say this alot and never do it. Was, maybe in the same line of things going to switch to straight edge, i.e. vegan, teatoatal, punk person. However, i've been drinking, feeling like it is a neccesisty so that plan's on hold. Was going to see if I could go to an upcoming demo but there is fuck all on, odd that, given the current climate. Have been payed and have no idea how to enjoy money which is really bad for a work ethic. The wider world... Miss Palestine still, this would normally be around the time of year I'd be jetting off on one of my crazy schemes. Back in July The UN critisized Israhell for murdering Arafat and Mohamed in Ni'lin after a court in Jordan which Mohamed Sroud (third person shot that day who survived) testified. He was put in prison for doing so on his return. BBC said a lot about the two Americans held in Korea but didn't say a word when Tristan was made living dead. Can't deal with all the sycophancy towards british troops killed in Afghanistan. Neutral BBC of course. It's pretty easy in life not to kill someone, if you make a career out of it then that says a lot about you. Madonna gained points recently for criticising the way in which Romanian gypsies are treated which got her booed. Good for her. The present... Working at 3pm so sicky feeling. Currently waiting for the Empire Total War demo to download (Simulated violence is perfectly acceptable) also scratching out Paul Mcartney's face on a coppy of Mojo. Laptop has pretty much died which is depressing takes 5 or 6 attempts turning it on for something to come up on the screen. We've been through so much together, never recovered after he got raped by 'israeli' airport security. Summary... Life lacks depth, I found out its pointless meaning to early after experiencing little and now I run about throwing my hair back and working doing variouis things, but there is little of interest or point happening other than when I turn white roses red, one always remains white. Al Fadi, Alfadi, Alfadi, Alfadi... etc Current Mood: crappy | | Saturday, June 20th, 2009 | | 11:54 pm |
Juggling minor and major problems at the moment, unfortunately the most recent has put me into the red, on the handling front. Wish I could just enjoy the free tiime before my job starts but I'm fucking everything up. On the other hand things are probably going well but I can't appreciate it, I've got a cool job that means something to look forward to and am generally in a nice social environment. I just wish I could try and make life a little less stale, which is why all these blackholes are opening around me when I've just sorted out one thing more stuff comes up. I'm quite destructive with my life and shouldn't be allowed to be in control of it. Unfortuanately I am now wrecking other people's so people should be advised to keep their distance, I am a dark cloud... | | Sunday, June 7th, 2009 | | 11:27 am |
How can one village suffer as much as Ni'lin has had to endure? on Friday's demonstration Yusef Sroud was shot with live ammunition in the stomach and died after going to the aid of a 16year old who is in a critical condition. Yusef was shot with 0.22 which is live ammunition to all intents and purpose but the bullet is smaller. The photo given, after much thought and lack of sleep can't confirm or deny if I know him, not that it makes any difference. EDIT The person who died was A'quel Srour not really sure of my confusion, I think because one of the emails mentyioned the 16year old to be a Yusef. | | Saturday, May 30th, 2009 | | 2:03 pm |
Haven't been up to much, bit of a drag to be honest. My birthday was depressing as always, need to drink more to forget about it in the future. Had a group interview in Stirling for a job I actually want. John Harrower also had the interview which worried me of the compitition, or if he told them truths about me, but in all seriousness I wish him well and hope that there's at least two jobs to be occupied by both of us. Have another interview on Monday, which I haven't thought about, I can't work out if my activism is a good thing to speak about. Speaking of activism Finnally did this talk thing at my old highschool. I went in on Tuesday just to speak to the Modern Studies and RME teachers. It was quite depressing to be honest, i really felt they'd have a better point of view on the whole thing but ended up having to justify stone throwing etc which I really should not have too. I mean who cares seriously, I'd justify the Palestinians using properly armed resistance but they generally don't. Maybe I am an extremist. Have had bouts of depression about Ni'lin recently due to two pretty awful things. Summer a 14yr old girl was shot in the arm by 0.22 inspite of not being on the demonstration just watching from the roof and last week Moustafa got hit by a teargas canister in the head from 10 metres, which fractured his scull. It could have been much worse i suppose, at least it was the old teargas cnister he was hit with or it would have definately killed him. Checking my email today Ni'lin supporters was speaking about how Israeli radio was speaking about how two soldiers got lightly injured by stones, basically justifying 4 kids getting killed. I hope there's a God so there is some sort of posthumous justice. Anyway I was told to give a talk on Thursday to two classes of second year in the library. There was enough room in spite of the library being small but it is due to a distinct lack of books. I hated being in the highschool. They weren't that interested at first but when I started to speak they were quiet and actually listened, I think I got bonus points for ashamedly showing the youtube video of me getting shot to buy their respect. I think it was funny when I was advocating vandilism and property damage of the Wall and bulldozers but I don't think the clocked the whole fight against the police army thing. However, it went very well becaause apparently they are normally very unrully. I got some questions after but they had nearly all been written by the teacher and on stuff that I didn't want to talk about as it detracts, such as Iran and religion. But it did go well. I feel so depressed though because I only said a miniscule fraction of what needs to be said. The audience might not understand anyway, the teachers didn't really, what hope do I have with kids. But then I don't know and they were listening so who knows. I try to think what I was like at that age and I can't remember, which means I'm growing old. One of the reasons I do all the things I do is because Lossie High was suffocating, it was like a prison for children and I saw nothing in the future worth working towards. One of the teachers closed my talk with saying something like that, 'here's someone form your school who's involved in things and experienced many things.' Haha, I just think of the propoganda in that as if they'd seen me during the lows... Anyway, moving to stirling tomorrow, staying with Peter's flat since Lauren has moved out and i have this interview on Monday. Phone out of battery (left charger again)so I hope Laura is reading this, maybe arrive about 6-7pm. I hope that if I get this job then i can try and combat this growing feeling of emptyness since being back. Was reading Mojo and see myself as a person who's rock group has split up and now I embark on my terrible short solo career. Or I could form a new band, I have itchy feet again but I need to give Stirling a chance. Class Hatred Just to round off, when I was at peter's Lauren introduced me to 'sweet 16 Uk' or something on MTV that has made me feel so angry and depressed but also in the aftermath, alot better about myself. If anyone needs reassurance that you're not the worst person in the world then watch a bit of this, but not to much or you will become a nihilist serial killer. First against the wall... Current Mood:  blah | | Saturday, April 25th, 2009 | | 3:58 pm |
I kind of want to post an entry just so my last one wasn't my last one. Not much to say obviously due to being dole-scum and I don't want to be the sort of person who speaks about their dreams -no offence- just their not exactly interparative, I know what they are. Not that I've been sleeping much, I finally get 7 hours when i go to bed at 6am when the sun starts to appear and panick, very much like a vampire in fact. Still waiting to hear back from Amnesty but I doubt I will, but it's nice to hope. Other than that there is little interesting on the job front. I'm finding it really difficult to fill in my form due to not seeing anything I would like to apply for and so not applying for any. I am checking all the time which makes a difference from me, though only via internet as I have not left the house in weeks. I will never becoem a waiter again. Maybe my sleeping patern has been linked to my dad working at 2pm and so I wake up just before that so as not to miss doctors. ah doctors, it is my half an hour of happy time during week days where there is a morrally uplifting message in every eppisode other than the ones where they had activism in them. It's the closest thing I have to drugs at the moment, I sometimes have Janice Joplin wailing in the background so as to try and believe I'm in the sixties and beieveing everything will get better because people are challenging the establishment and believe in things. My Friday insanity seems to have crept to Thursday also, with my worrying and general alertness, thinking about the next days action, as though I'm on it. Just realised from reading the activist reports etc, that I was the first to coin the phrase 'High velocity teargas canister,' that has been used ever since. I remember at the time we had no idea what to call it aside from the arabic; 'Saruch' for missile. Thursday nights I seem to drink a lot, though it's probably just because of how infuriating Question Time is, if you think of it the carefully selected studio audience who hardly get a say are the closest thing any of us at any time get to challenge politicians publically in this 'democratic' system. Argh David Starkey was an arselhole, yet when he spoke about the policing of the G20 he was the only one making sense, one of the panel said, 'well what do people expect when going to a G20 protest.' Support our cops! Interestingly enough activists would never do that unless 'our cops' were staioned over seas to kill brown people, in which they are working class heroes etc etc. Funny how drinking makes 'This Week' entertaining directly after question time. They did a startrek themed one, the link? I can't remember, they get away with anything thouugh because they think no ones watching. Anyway after that normally I attempt writing after sobering just slightly and drinking pots of coffee to keep me high, and that people is my life at the moment. Current Mood: awake | | Sunday, April 19th, 2009 | | 2:55 pm |
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